by JRS
Trying to run but the wolves keep chasing. Staggered breaths and weak legs slow me down. Grabbing hold of my wrists, the wolves attack. Blade like claws and sharp cutting teeth dig into my flesh, a shriek escapes my mouth. They asked me if I needed help but I declined their offer. Now here I am, digging my own grave.
…
We were known as “the three musketeers” always together like three peas in a pod. Then one day, a pea left and threatened to take the other with her, all because of me. I went into a depressed state that lasted for a year. I later learned that my best friend thought about leaving me and the wolves attacked, slicing the pain away. I felt worthless and unloved. I realised how annoying and unintelligent I sounded to those around me. Day after day the thoughts got worse and the wolves struck more often. I learned to hide behind The “I’m fine” mask, which went on the moment I stepped outside of my room.
In high school, I acted as if my life was close to perfect: I kept good grades, and bragged about my home life as if it were something to be proud of. I pretended like there weren’t thoughts haunting my every move. That first year, wolves became my friend. Soon, I became numb to the pain they caused. For me, at the time, running with the wolves became an escape from myself and life in general. It was a punishment to myself for being so useless and hated. Retched thoughts of The End became more common, the fear of death had dissipated.
Grade ten came and somehow I was still around, although my life had become an emotional roller coaster with an endless track of high’s and low’s. Then came Luke. I tried to venture from the wolves because of this guy but the fearful scent of stress kept them on the trail. One small memory at a time Luke and I became closer, yet The End still lurked in the shadows. Eventually, Luke found out about my situation and to prevent me from leaving forever he said three words that made me stop in my tracks.
Months passed and I was trying so hard to stop myself from wandering back to the dark place in fear of scaring away this boy that tugged at my heart strings. Some days I couldn’t control my emotions, as a result I’d throw myself to the wolves for playtime. Luke knew I had a problem but I never told him it continued. I felt he didn’t need someone like me in his life. His dreams could come to success if he didn’t have some girl struggling with her life by his side. Luke would be better off without me; they all would.
One lonely, depressive night, I told the wolves to take it all away. Their eyes glowed with anticipation as they waited for me to become their next meal. Saliva leaked through the gaps in their pointed teeth. I slowly lowered myself down to the ground preparing for the attack. TING! A sound erupted from my tablet that sat behind me. A message from my youth leaders saying there was an event in may they wanted everyone to go to. Seconds later Luke messaged me with his excitement. I screamed at the wolves for trying to end me. They yelped and scampered off, no fresh meat for them that night.
Spring forth has arrived. Everyone was pumped except for me. I didn’t want to go to this God praising event in fear of being rejected because of my self harm. I tried everything I could to cover up the cuts but occasionally I would slip up and the marks would show.
On the second day, Luke took me outside at lunch and he sat me down at a picnic table. Luke explained how he thought God wanted him to talk to me about the sermon from earlier that morning. He opened up about his rough past with losing his faith in God. I carefully listened only to realize that Luke wasn’t the only one needing to confess to some things. Tears began to stream down my face as I spilled the secrets I had once wished to keep hidden from everyone. When I looked up I saw this guy who I thought I wasn’t good enough for, a guy I felt I was unimportant to, rise from his seat on the other side of the picnic table and carefully sit himself beside me. I thought he was going to walk away, leaving me crying all alone. Instead he comforted me saying that he would help me get through this rough patch in life.
My eyes at this point have become broken faucets, unable to stop. Out of the corner of my teary eyes, I see his arms stretch open calling me to him. Automatically, I launch myself into his embrace, feeling a sense of worth for the first time in a while. Finally, I felt love.
There we sat in an embrace with tears falling from our eyes. At that moment we connected. He needed someone to talk to about his faith while I needed someone to show me love and compassion. A major wave of light shone over me that day. I felt a new power, a friendship; had sprouted in me.
From that day I learned God works in miraculous ways. If not for the message from the youth leaders that dreadful night; I would never have experienced my first nephew, my sister getting married, my first boyfriend or lived to write this story. If it weren’t for that spring day sitting around a picnic table at Crandall University, my life would be a disaster. I now realize some people do want me living and that if I left they’d be heartbroken. Don’t fall in the trap, don’t let those wolves attack you.
JBlogz 2 