A New Beginning

    It has been quite some time since I’ve sat down to write a blog post. Way too long in my opinion.  

    I’m not quite sure where I left off with my last blog, but I know where I want to start. 

    2019 was an interesting year. I joined the high school cheer team, finished high school, said goodbye to old friends (both two legged and four legged), started working for the summer at a car detailing shop, started university, made new friends, changed my appearance slightly, started running for the university’s cross-country team, met my current boyfriend, among many other smaller things.  

    That year ended and then came 2020. The year none of us were expecting. 

     I can remember on New Year’s Eve spending time with my family and wishing to make change in the new year. Let me tell you, there definitely was change. I started losing my interest for school, I dealt with countless health problems from knee injuries and unexplained body issues causing a rapid loss of weight and even found myself coming to a breaking point in my mental health. With all those negative aspects happening left and right- thanks to my wonderful friends and peers- I managed to keep a positive outlook and got through it all. I dropped out of University after completing my first semester in second year (despite the unnatural feelings I felt and the negative comments from certain friends and family). I managed to get a temporary hold on my physical health although it cost me my running, among many other simple activities (temporarily). I’m still struggling mentally, although that too is being managed much better. Things haven’t been easy for anyone in 2020 that’s for sure, but the one thing that I’ve kept with me from it, is that it’s so important not to focus on the negative. I get it, it’s really hard not to do. It takes a lot, I mean A LOT of self-control (an aspect I’ve been trying so hard to work on), perseverance and even patience. 

    I can remember when I first got injured in late September of 2020. I was running at practice thinking how excited I was for the season so I could finally work up to a level that I could compete and be quite successful. Obviously, God had other plans than for me to try and be the “top athlete” that I pictured in my mind. 

   My knee (which had already been giving me problems for 4 years) decided it would lock up, causing me to fall. I had never felt such pain in my knee before. Not even when I originally tore it. That was the first time I ever cried at a practice, the first time I really cried in front of anyone other than close friends and family.  

   Despite being injured I kept trying to push myself and continued to go to practices trying to hide my pain from my teammates and coaches. I couldn’t let go of my goal to be a better athlete. This of course turned out to be a stupid idea as the pain in my knee kept getting worse. It got to a point where I couldn’t stand or even move without sharp excruciating pains shooting through my knee to the other parts of my leg it was connected to. I scheduled an appointment call with my doctor to see what to do, not thinking that she would really tell me anything overly helpful. The call came and I felt broken. She told me to lay off all physical activities and avoid using my knee more than I had to. That meant no horseback riding, no more stairs if I could help it, sitting down often, and certainly no running. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I HAD to move. I live on a hobby farm where barn chores need to be done morning and night. We have animals to care for. Not to mention I still was in school, which meant going to classes in different floors and even different buildings (luckily for me Crandall isn’t a big school). This all came nearly impossible for me.  

    Things started to go downhill. I started to realize that running was the only thing really keeping me interested and focused in school. Without it my career choice, that I was told growing up would be perfect for me, began to seem so unlike me. I didn’t really want to be a teacher. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew that teaching wasn’t it. I started going to the school counsellor to discuss everything that was going on because I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I was scared to reach out but I felt comfortable talking to a stranger about my problems rather than burdening my family or friends. The sessions helped a lot and I opened up about things going on in my life. I began to learn more about myself in those sessions than I had learned in all the years on my own. She helped me stand up to the voices in my head that told me I had to be a teacher to please everyone in my life. It finally came time to actually face the humans that held those voices in my life. 

    I was terrified. How would they react? Deep down I had a feeling of how but I couldn’t let that stop me from leaving this miserable hole I had fell in. First, I told my mom. I sat on the couch bracing myself for the argument that was about to happen, only it never did. She understood and respected my decision. I was shocked and cried. Finally, I felt free. Well, freer. I still had my siblings to tell. Two of them were proud of me for going through and trying to find my happiness. The other wanted me to be happy but voiced that she believed I was making a mistake. Still, I took it as a win and completed that semester. 

    By that point it was Christmas break. I got in touch with my boss at the car detailing shop and she was delighted to hear that I wanted to go back to work, though I would have to wait until after the new year as she was closing for the break. I felt like I was finally figuring things out. That’s when I started to feel awful. My body began to reject all foods I tried eating and I could barely keep liquids down. I was in pain all throughout my torso and we had no idea why.  

    I went to emerge where they brought me in immediately to start testing. I was giving anti-inflammatory and pain medications in hope to reduce the pain I was in and was hooked up to an IV. I had blood taken, urine samples, and an x-ray. All those tests came back clear. They weren’t sure what was going on. Late that night they gave me more meds and sent me home with an appointment for an ultra sound in the morning. When I got home, I immediately ran to the bathroom and puked up what was left of the “pink shooter” they had given me to coat my stomach, ate a muffin and crashed in bed.  

    The next day I returned to the hospital. I walked down the halls I knew all too well to the ultrasound department (I had several ultrasounds as a child for a common thyroid cyst I was born with). They brought me into the room and asked if I was familiar with the procedure and I nodded. Both the nurse and the doctor looked a little shocked until I explained my situation. They proceeded and determined that everything looked perfectly healthy. Still no explanation for my discomfort. About a week later I was back at the emerge for the pain and inability to eat. Yet again, the doctors didn’t really have an answer. They prescribed a medication that would help a few different possible problems.  

    The medications seemed to work as well as a stricter diet. I no longer felt awful and could eat again. I started to gain weight back and felt heathier. Sadly, the meds ended with the year and I’m back again to some digestive problems but not nearly as bad as it once was.  

    Not to jinx anything, but so far things are looking up in 2021. I’m back to work, and I’ve recently started getting in a couple runs, soon to be on a running plan set out by my former (or current) Cross Country coach.  

    I’m still unsure of what I want to do with my life but I feel like I’m better off this way, at least for the time being. Occasionally, I feel as though leaving was a mistake in that I’m leaving a plan that was structured and had potential for a good career, for a life that is messy and unknown. On top of that, I feel this pressure that I need to figure my life out soon in order to not disappoint those around me. Despite those fears, I feel free. A feeling I never really felt, one that I constantly feared because I had been told stories of how it could mess things up. Now after seeing it, I feel more in control. An odd combination, Freedom and Control/Structure.  

    I’m pleased with these steps I’ve taken and wish to continue the climb. It’s going to be difficult but that makes it all the more exciting. 

    Now that I have the blog up and running once again, I hope to discover more about myself and step into a new chapter of my life. A place of freedom and less fear of the unknown. The me I want to be. 

J.R.S.